Tuesday, July 7, 2009

What the Hell Was I Thinking?

A couple months ago I saw a really cute blue silk skirt for sale in an Isabella's catalog. Apparently I did not act fast enough, and they no longer carry said skirt. Or they just don't want me to buy it. Either way, I started looking around online for another blue silk skirt. I saw one listed on Amazon.com that looked kind of cute. It was called a Kariza. Never heard of it by that name before but I have seen similar listed as "wrap" skirts, "magic" skirts, and "sari" skirts. (Sorry is right. But wait, I get ahead of myself...)

Looks cute, right? Looks fun, right? That's what I thought, too. So I bought one. In lovely shades of blue.
I got a long one. You can't do the short little baby doll shirt style, but that's ok, I just wanted to do a cute skirt. Maybe a sundress style. Whatever. Like these:

First off: Ignore the skinny bitch in the picture. The important thing is that she is holding a glass of wine. This is important: A mostly empty glass of wine (if you fill it to the top, like I do). This is because you need to have a drink or six after attempting to wear one of these infernal garments!
Second: Do not be fooled. These are not a "one size fits all" garment. These are not a "one size fits most" garment. The one I ordered claimed it is a "one size fits most" and then stated size 2-14. Really? 2 to 14? Because, really, doesn't it take seven size 2s to make a 14?
Come on, people! Really?

I am, often, a size 14 (i.e. "normal"). I am, sometimes, a size 16 (still "normal"). On a really, really, good day I can sometimes even wear a 12, but not often enough to count. But I thought, it's a skirt. It's loose. It's adjustable. (Obviously.) To be safe, however, I emailed the seller. I told her, I am between a size 14 and a size 16. I don't see that you sell any "plus" sizes. Do you think the regular one will fit me?
Her response (copied directly from her email) was this:
its most sizes. i think #14 will be o.k.,

Huh. Ok. I figured, what the heck, it wasn't expensive and if it fit I would have a nice skirt.

Well, it came yesterday. It is pretty. It does "fit", in that it wraps all the way around me. It doesn't quite fit right if I "wrap" it the way they suggest with the strap tucked through the little hole it's mean to fit in. It ties just behind my hip unless I want one really long part and one really short part of the strap. But I can work with it. I may even be able to wear it as a dress. Except.
I can't figure the damn thing out! The listing said you can wear it "100 ways". I think the torture diagrams instructions included 12, maybe 16, drawings of how to tie it. None of them are really clear.
I tried one of the dress instructions, one I thought I might actually wear.

First I had to hold the skirt behind open behind me, like a bath towel. Then you tie the straps loosely in front. Criss cross the straps (that alone took me 45 seconds to figure out). Then you place...the tied straps....behind your head... and, and...dammit, I got my arm stuck in the strap opening, don't ask me how. Seriously, don't ask. I have no idea. I tried to get my arm out. Somehow I got the dress twisted and now I was really stuck. Finally got my arm out and the dress untied and decided to start over again.
Secret Agent Man is in the bathroom asking, "What are you doing out there?" I'm laughing and I know I look like a complete idiot so all I say is "trying to figure out this damn dress."

Four tries later, looking at the damn cartoon drawing, I give up.
The cat is looking at me like I'm a complete idiot. S.A.M. is laughing at me. The damn cartoon drawing is also laughing at me. I'm laughing and thinking I need a drink. Which is fine, seeing as we are supposed to be getting ready to go to dinner.

However, today I thought I'd try it again. Maybe the cute skirt option. Where you tie the bottom layer one way, then tie the top layer a different way... or the other cute short dress option with the twisty top...?

You know, if you are going to submit drawings as instructions, make sure you KNOW HOW TO DRAW!! I can't, for the life of me, figure this drawing out! Not only that, but they only include, like, every 3rd step. I know the "instructions" are missing something because I am not a moron (shut up! I am not!) and I should be able to figure this out!
I finally gave up and went to the computer and Googled instructions. I found a video. There are cute little girls modeling the skirts. I'm sure some martial arts instructor wrangled the skirts on them, because I'm sure I am smarter than a little girl. Or that bitch wearing the cute yellow skirt. She's smiling. She's mocking me, I'm sure of it! She's there, in her little video, the smiling skinny bitch, laughing at me for not being able to figure out the damn crayon monkey drawings that came with my skirt "skirt".

That's it. I'm turning it into a table cloth.
Where's my wine?


  1. This was funny. Loved you callingthe model a bitch...hehehehe.

    They sell the silk wraps at the swap meet out here and I've almost bought one a couple of times. If I do, I'm making the lady show me how it works. She does it on herself in fractions of seconds.

  2. Oh this was hilarious my dear, thanks for regaling us with your torturous new "skirt". LOL Based on your review, I will NOT be buying one anytime soon.

  3. OMG, this was FUNNY! I have one word for you: "Chinos". I gave up on skirts looooong ago, and this one sounds like WAY too much work. :-)

  4. You are hilarious! I never trust those one size fits most.

  5. Ha! This made me burst out laughing and if I had a cat, it would have run for the hills. I can just picture you doing these moves, kinda like me when I buy one of those hair thingys that have the same drawing instruction for putting your hair in some exotic style only it never works and only rips out half my hair so there's not enough left to put up in an exotic style if I COULD figure out the damn instructions. Grrrr......... But thanks for the big laugh. :)

  6. Oh my gosh!!! A dress with an instruction manual to put it on???

    Your post comment by Olin Miller is funny too!! Reminds me of the song - your so vain that you probably think this song is about you!!!

  7. You are a braver woman than I am. I have enough trouble with zippers.

  8. so funny! someone "gifted" me with one of those about a year ago. I think she secretly hated me. my first thought, upon seeing the "instruction" manual was, why is that bitch sneering at me? now I know. Im am too dumb to figure out a dress!

  9. This post just had me nearly falling out of my chair. Seriously. And I just came from Zumba at the gym, so I wasn't a pretty sight to begin with. I'm a total loser with clothes. With wine, however, I'm a winner. I'm glad to know you've got my back.

  10. PHST: I wish someone would give me instructions. I downloaded some, but they are NOT helping!

    Oz Girl: I know, but it's so pretty!

    Leslie: I know, but it's so pretty! ;)

    Beth: My trust has been shattered.

    Midlife: It was like yoga. No fun at all.

    Hit 40: yah, last time I buy clothing with instructions!

    SMB: Zippers I'm fine with. Laces, now...they are a different story.

    Pixie: Now you know!!

    Beth K: I've totally got your back! And if you ever come to town I'll get you that glass of wine, too!


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