Looks cute, right? Looks fun, right? That's what I thought, too. So I bought one. In lovely shades of blue.
I got a long one. You can't do the short little baby doll shirt style, but that's ok, I just wanted to do a cute skirt. Maybe a sundress style. Whatever. Like these:
First off: Ignore the skinny bitch in the picture. The important thing is that she is holding a glass of wine. This is important: A mostly empty glass of wine (if you fill it to the top, like I do). This is because you need to have a drink
Second: Do not be fooled. These are not a "one size fits all" garment. These are not a "one size fits most" garment. The one I ordered claimed it is a "one size fits most" and then stated size 2-14. Really? 2 to 14? Because, really, doesn't it take seven size 2s to make a 14?
Come on, people! Really?
I am, often, a size 14 (i.e. "normal"). I am, sometimes, a size 16 (still "normal").
Her response (copied directly from her email) was this:
its most sizes. i think #14 will be o.k.,
Huh. Ok. I figured, what the heck, it wasn't expensive and if it fit I would have a nice skirt.
Well, it came yesterday. It is pretty. It does "fit", in that it wraps all the way around me. It doesn't quite fit right if I "wrap" it the way they suggest with the strap tucked through the little hole it's mean to fit in. It ties just behind my hip unless I want one really long part and one really short part of the strap. But I can work with it. I may even be able to wear it as a dress. Except.
I can't figure the damn thing out! The listing said you can wear it "100 ways". I think the
I tried one of the dress instructions, one I thought I might actually wear.
First I had to hold the skirt behind open behind me, like a bath towel. Then you tie the straps loosely in front. Criss cross the straps (that alone took me 45 seconds to figure out). Then you place...the tied straps....behind your head... and, and...dammit, I got my arm stuck in the strap opening, don't ask me how. Seriously, don't ask. I have no idea. I tried to get my arm out. Somehow I got the dress twisted and now I was really stuck. Finally got my arm out and the dress untied and decided to start over again.
Secret Agent Man is in the bathroom asking, "What are you doing out there?" I'm laughing and I know I look like a complete idiot so all I say is "trying to figure out this damn dress."
Four tries later, looking at the damn cartoon drawing, I give up. The cat is looking at me like I'm a complete idiot. S.A.M. is laughing at me. The damn cartoon drawing is also laughing at me. I'm laughing and thinking I need a drink. Which is fine, seeing as we are supposed to be getting ready to go to dinner.
However, today I thought I'd try it again. Maybe the cute skirt option. Where you tie the bottom layer one way, then tie the top layer a different way... or the other cute short dress option with the twisty top...?
You know, if you are going to submit drawings as instructions, make sure you KNOW HOW TO DRAW!! I can't, for the life of me, figure this drawing out! Not only that, but they only include, like, every 3rd step. I know the "instructions" are missing something because I am not a moron (shut up! I am not!) and I should be able to figure this out!
I finally gave up and went to the computer and Googled instructions. I found a video. There are cute little girls modeling the skirts. I'm sure some martial arts instructor wrangled the skirts on them, because I'm sure I am smarter than a little girl. Or that bitch wearing the cute yellow skirt. She's smiling. She's mocking me, I'm sure of it! She's there, in her little video, the smiling skinny bitch, laughing at me for not being able to figure out the damn crayon monkey drawings that came with my
That's it. I'm turning it into a table cloth.
Where's my wine?